Three Tests
by The Sacred and Profane
Summary: Tifa is fed up with Cloud and Reno trying to woo her so she gives them three tests. Who will win, who will lose, and will magic be involved? Oneshot for fire mystic.


Three Tests

AN: I own nothing in this story. This is for fire mystic so enjoy! Please R&R.

Reno and Cloud were glaring at each other, the animosity plain on their faces.

"She's mine Turk!" Cloud growled out. Reno gave a snort at that and shook his head.

"She's not a possession Spiky, she's a person and can decide who she wants to be with though why she'd even consider picking you is beyond me," Reno replied.

"Will you two stop arguing?!" Tifa exclaimed. The two men were instantly silent at her outburst but they kept glaring at each other. The barmaid let loose a sigh then and came out from behind the counter. Walking to the door, she flipped the open sign to closed and locked the door before returning to stand in front of the two men.

"I am getting sick and tired of the two of you trying to seduce me. So I've come up with three tests and whoever passes the most wins me, understand?" Cloud and Reno nodded. "Alright, close your eyes." The men did as asked and Tifa removed a glowing Transform materia from her pocket. Concentrating on the form she wanted to become, she cast the magic.

"Alright, you can open them," Tifa's voice ordered, it's tone different from normal. When the two had opened their eyes they were met with quite a sight. The young barmaid was gone and in her place was a stout crone and stout was putting it nicely. Only the eyes were the same as they stared at the two men. "Now come up to me and give me a kiss," the senior Avalanche member said. Cloud went first, his gaze not leaving the floor.

When he was in front of the transformed Tifa, he raised his eyes to meet her. A peculiar wart caught his attention however and his body stiffened a little. But he didn't flinch just yet. No, that didn't occur until he puckered up his lips and kissed Tifa on her magically withered lips. Recoiling, he looked at her and shook his head. Tifa didn't say anything, instead looking to Reno as Cloud moved back to his original position.

The Turk walked forward, eyes never leaving Tifa's face. As he drew close to her, he flashed a devilish smirk. Wrapping an arm around Tifa's now much rounder middle, he kissed her passionately. Breaking apart, he still had a smile on his face. Tifa dispelled the magic then and returned to her true self.

"Reno wins the first test."

"How could you do that so easily?" Cloud asked. Reno shrugged his shoulders.

"We all grow old eventually. And if Tifa does end up looking like that in her old age I'll most likely look a lot worse." Cloud just shook his head and turned back to Tifa, who was smiling at Reno's comment.

"What's the next test? You going to have us shoot an arrow between a dozen axeheads?" Cloud asked.

"No, you just have to watch over two little kids." The materia glowed once more and Cloud was blinded by the light. When it dissipated Reno and Tifa were no longer adults. Instead there was a little boy with short crimson hair and beside him a little girl, her black hair in pig tails. Both had on pajamas and looked up at Cloud with wide eyes.

"I wanna story!" Reno yelled, the sound nearly deafening Cloud's eardrum. Tifa tugged on his arm and pouted.

"I want my dolly!"

"Story!" Reno yelled, glaring at Tifa. Tifa stuck her tongue out at the tiny Turk.

"Dolly!"

"Enough!" Cloud yelled, silencing both children. A few moments later their eyes started to water and soon they were bawling, chubby hands rubbing their faces.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry, calm down," Cloud said as soothingly as possible. He needed to think of a solution and fast. "I got it! Watch this kids!" The savior of the planet then made some funny faces and hit himself on the head a few times. Reno and Tifa stopped their wailing and giggled at the way Cloud was acting. The materia started glowing once more and soon Tifa and Reno were adults again.

"You were kind of bad at the beginning Cloud but you managed to save yourself at the end. Now it's your turn Reno," Tifa said, turning to the Turk. He nodded and Tifa cast the spell again and Reno was soon the only adult in the bar. Cloud came running up to Reno and kicked him hard in the leg.

"Oww!" The Turk yelped out, hopping on one leg. Tifa came over then and whacked Cloud with a chubby hand.

"You big doo doo head, down't hurt Weno!" Cloud sniffled a little and then the waterworks came in full force. Reno looked at Tifa and came over to Cloud picking him up. Patting him on the back, he soothed him as best he could and a few minutes later the spiky haired toddler had stopped bawling. Setting him down, Reno then came over to Tifa.

"Now Tifa, we don't hit others, even if they're acting mean, understand?" Tifa nodded and looked up at Reno with puppy dog eyes.

"I sowwy..."

"Thank you but you need to apologize to Cloud, okay?" Tifa nodded again and ran up to Cloud, hugging him around the waist.

"Sowwy Cloud, I hope I gave you no booboos," Tifa said.

"It otay!" Cloud exclaimed.

"Alright, now that that's settled what do you two want to do?" Reno asked. Tifa and Cloud whispered amongst themselves before looking up at their temporary guardian.

"HORSEY!" Both yelled, making Reno recoil a little. He nodded soon after however and got on his hands and knees. The two children climbed onto his back as best they could and Reno started walking around the bar floor, going as slow as possible. Tifa and Cloud cheered but a yellow glow indicated that the magic was wearing off. Unfortunately both Tifa and Cloud were still on Reno's back and so the Turk found himself forced to the ground by their combined adult weight.

"I think Reno wins that round as well," Tifa said, getting to her feet with beet red cheeks. Cloud only mumbled something about stupid Turks and wished he would have hit Reno harder in the leg. Once Reno was back on his feet Tifa continued the contest.

"For the final test I'll ask you a question and whoever answers correctly wins, got it?" Both the men nodded.

"Cloud, would you die for me?"

"In an instant," Cloud replied. Tifa nodded at this and gave her best friend a smile. Then she turned to Reno.

"Reno, would you die for me?" Reno looked pensive, hand stroking one of his crescent scars by his eyes.

"No," Reno finally answered. Cloud smirked, secure in his victory. But Tifa didn't look disappointed, instead she looked curious.

"And why wouldn't you die for me?"

"Because if I did you'd be alone and depressed and you don't deserve either of those fates."

"Good answer," Tifa said. She looked at Cloud then and hugged him. "I'm sorry Cloud but it looks like Reno won. I hope we can still be friends."

Breaking apart after a few moments, Cloud looked at Tifa as she moved to Reno.

"Actually Tifa I'm not Cloud." Before Tifa could ask what he meant however, "Cloud" pulled a zipper on his back that hadn't been there a few seconds before and a horse was revealed. "I'm Mr. Ed!" The talking horse gave a horrifying whinny then and Tifa found herself being pulled into the darkness that had sprung up all around her.

* * *

Tifa bolted out of bed, her breathing erratic. Beside her, her husband opened his eyes and took in his wife's sweating silhouette.

"Teef...what's wrong?" Tifa turned to look at Reno and hugged him.

"I just had a nightmare, that's all."

"Want to tell me about it?" Reno asked, stroking her back gently. Tifa broke apart from their embrace then and shook her head.

"Not right now but maybe after you go get me some chili with tuna fish in it...please?" Tifa asked, putting on her best pout. Reno chuckled tiredly at this request but nodded. He stroked Tifa's round stomach and felt the baby kick.

"I can't let the two of you starve now can I?" Tifa smiled at him and watched as he got out of bed to head to the kitchen. Laying back in bed, she rubbed her belly gently and the child within her kicked once more.

"Don't worry, Daddy's getting us food..." Tifa said aloud softly. She thought back to her dream and gave a tired laugh. Her son or daughter was obviously going to have a great imagination.


End file.
